New Therapist!

So, I found out today that I'll be getting a new therapist toward the end of next month! Yay! I haven't been in therapy since early November because I wasn't satisfied with my previous therapist and I haven't been able to find another one in close driving distance at a reasonable price. I emailed the other school therapist yesterday to ask her if she would be willing to work with me, even if she doesn't have experience with trans issues. She said she would be more than willing to work with me, but that one of the grad students they work with has more experience dealing with transgender issues. She said he was willing to work with me starting January 28th! I'm a little hesitant about the fact that he doesn't have a phD yet, but I'd rather have someone with a master's that knows about trans issues than a phD with transphobia.

Given how badly my other therapy sessions went, I am trying to think of exactly what I need from therapy and how to tell my new therapist what I need. I think that's probably going to be about the only way to get anything out of therapy and I do have plenty of time to think out what I want and exactly what issues I really need to tackle (since time will be an issue). Someone on a different site suggested I talk to my new therapist about what exactly wasn't working with my old therapist so he can decide what would work better. So, that's where I am. I"m going to try to use this blog to figure out exactly what I didn't like about my other therapist so I know what really needs to be avoided. Even if I can't figure out what I want, figuring out what I don't want should be a damn good start.

So, first main issue is that I felt that I she wasn't doing anything for me. True, I was making progress for part of the time, but it was really due to outside issues. I made pretty good progress for about a month, during which therapy somewhat halted. It was so rare for me to be having good days that she didn't really want to delve into issues on days I felt happy. I get that she didn't want to ruin my high, but I still should have kept working through shit even on the good days, hell, especially on the good days. Those were the days I could handle it the best, but she just let me stay in the happy moment. I didn't like that at all. She wasn't even responsible for those good days. Those were because of a friend of mine. She was chill to hang out with and she was indirectly helping me work through some issues and bringing out stuff that I had hidden away. In the case of the gender thing, this wasn't exactly the best thing ever, but it was really good with my sexual orientation. It helped a lot when I got over being religious too. So, that was my main issue with that shrink. She didn't do shit.

The next issue I had with the shrink was her issue with me changing on a regular basis. Yes, I get it, it something to be concerned about when your patient goes from radical Muslim to pansexual transgender in under a year, but couldn't she see through the shit and realize that a) I wasn't really Muslim and b) the sexual orientation and gender issues were already there. She pegged it all on me having a constant need to be extreme and a desperate need to find an identity. Okay, I will admit I have a tendency to be strange, but I honestly don't think this has anything to do with it. It is a pattern, but I don't think it applies to everything. I said the same thing about Islam, but I didn't really mean it. I was already feeling uncomfortable about it, but I was afraid to admit that I wasn't really as Muslim as I thought (due to a whole "what if I'm wrong?" fear). I don't think this is the same, even if it is, I don't think we should start with the assumption that it's not legitimate. I think she should treat it as if it is legitimate, talk with me about it, and after a while ask if I thought perhaps it may be related from my alleged need to be extreme.

I didn't like her technique either. When she was actually trying to help me, she was really focused on my current behaviors and trying to log them and then fix them. Okay, that's chill. I get the need to fix negative behaviors and see when they show up, but how am I supposed to fix them when I don't know where they come from? I can see that I'm jealous and I can tell when it happens, but how the hell am I supposed to fix it at that point? Think happy thoughts? Does it make a ton more sense to look into the past and see "oh, that's where that shit started", deal with the initial issue and then, understanding why certain things happen, deal with it when it happens again. I was able to do that a little bit on my own with the jealousy thing. I got jealous of one day when my friend was paying more attention to her other friend than me. I got really upset but I didn't tell her anything. I initially saw it as her ignoring me. When I thought about it more, I realized why I was acting like that. I've had people not pay attention to me for most of my life and I can't stand it when it happens. I should be used to it, but instead I get really pissed of when it happens. So, since then, I have been working on it and not just blaming it on the other person. She assisted somewhat in that, but I think I was mostly responsible for it.

Lastly, I really didn't like how much she tried to push me into taking meds. I know there is a potential for them improving my mood so I'm more able to deal with my issues, but I have a really bad history with medication. When I was 16 I was put on about 8 different depression medications. At best, they caused no change. At worse, they made me even more suicidal than before. Most of the time I wasn't able to sleep because of them, so I had to miss a lot of school. During that year I missed a lot of school time because of medication side effects and doctor appointments. That's fine for high school, but not college. I can deal with the apathy I have, but I don't want to deal with medication side effects. I'm scared that they'll increase suicidal thoughts again and something will happen while I'm alone. I don't want to die and I don't want some medication making me think I do. I don't want to deal with having an even worse time sleeping than I already do. She really didn't get that. She just kept telling me that the effects would be different than when I was younger and that progress has been made. Still, there is no guarantee that they would even help with my issues (which I think are more related to my life than a serious chemical imbalance) and there was no promise they wouldn't make things considerably worse than they already are.

Well, I think that's enough for the day. I think that gets the main points of why she didn't work out. Hopefully, since I have mostly figured out my issues with her, I'll be able to have a good relationship with the new therapist and actually accomplish things. I'm going to work on what I want to get out of therapy, what approach I think may work best for me and what issues I really want to focus on next. I think if I get this all planned out fairly soon, I should be able to have a good relationship with the new therapist.

Early Xmas Present

So, today I got an early Christmas present from my mother. I like to call it "evidence she doesn't know me in a box". She gave me a "metropolitan wallet", which is basically some girly mini-purse thing that can hold a cell phone too. This doesn't fit in numerous ways. First of all, in all of my life I have never really used a wallet aside from having it in my car or anything remotely like a purse. This thing is a combo of the two. Second, if I needed to carry my phone and a wallet, I would just carry the wallet I currently have in one pocket and carry my phone in the other. Lastly, even if I could use it, it's not even remotely my fashion. It's red faux alligator skin. Put all three of those together and you get another display of how little my mother knows me. Yes, I am aware that I sound like a totally spoiled brat, but it's the same story every year. Every year I ask for cash and every year she wastes her money on something I don't want, don't need and isn't for me. I would have rather just gotten the cash so I could buy something I want. It would have even been better if she had gotten me something girlier so I could swap it with my friend when she gets her boy presents.
In addition to the wallet I will never use, she also sent me some hot coco, which is okay I suppose, and a picture of me when I was little (I believe before my parents got divorced?). I think I was like 3 or 4 in the picture. I may have been 6 because it looks like the dress I was forced to wear to Easter, but it was taken at my dad's house, which would indicate 3 or 4 years old. Either way, you can tell how much I "loved" that ugly ass dress.
So, this is my haul for Xmas from my mother. It should be easy enough now to see why I do not particularly enjoy Xmas. Well, it's really for additional reasons, but the yearly display of not knowing me isn't exactly fantastic either.
Here's me as a very uncomfortable 3-4 or 6 year old "girl"

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Free Falling

On days like today, I don't know whether it is better to have loved and lost or to never have loved at all. By this I mean to have had happiness, I've never really loved so that isn't an issue. I just can't decide if I would rather have a small taste of happiness among all the pain or have no happiness.

I know I can't bare the pain of having happiness and then having it taken away anymore. Every moment of happiness if fleeting. I know this in the moment, but I hope against reason that it will stay. It never really does. It just reminds me of what I can never have, never be. I don't think I can handle being kicked in the face anymore. The pain is just too much.

Still, I think the memories of happiness, although they haunt me, are the only reason I am still alive. They're proof that happiness can come and they give me hope that it can come again. I know that, on days like this, the hope of happiness and the fear of death are the only reasons I don't just end it all.

I honestly can say I don't really want to die right now, but I can just as honestly say that I don't want to keep on living. I just want the pain to end, but I don't think it ever will. All of my life all I've really known is pain and rejection and misery. Yes, I've known some happiness, but in comparison the happiness I may have felt is so small that it doesn't even matter. The best way to summarize what I feel right now is a Morrissey quote-"When I'm lying in my bed I think about life and I think about death and neither one particularly appeals to me." I don't want to die, I can't resign myself to nothingness. At the same time, I don't want to stay living in so much pain.

"I don't want to wake up on my own anymore." I want someone to be there that I know will always be there. Yes, I have a friend and I'm so grateful for this, but I'm so afraid that it won't last. I'm afraid that I'll open myself up to her and allow myself to become happy again and then just have it stolen away again. I don't know that I can live through another major rejection. I've had my head kicked in so many times that there's no way I can keep getting up forever. In all honesty, I feel like I've become the Crow. I am dead, yet still living.
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My Thanksgiving

As mentioned in my last post, I spent Thanksgiving at my friend Curtis's house because I couldn't afford to go home (nor did I really want to). I normally hate Thanksgiving just because it's almost always a fight between my parents as to who gets the kids for Thanksgiving. I feel this way about pretty much all of the holidays except for Halloween because no one fights over that. This Thanksgiving was totally different, though.

Usually Thanksgiving at whatever house I go to is really small, just one parent (a boyfriend if it's at my mom's), my sister and myself. Thanksgiving at Curtis's was huge, though. All-in-all there were like 14 of us. There was wine everywhere, but no drunk people. Okay, you got me, I got a slight bit sloshed on the wine since I'm not used to it and someone else was a little tipsy, but not like I'm used to at home. Usually my mom gets drunk every holiday, I guess not anymore since she's "Mormon". Still, it was nice for there to be alcohol but no one really drunk. There was soooo much food too. We had a huge turkey as well as a smoked turkey breast, mashed potatoes, broccoli, bread, rolls, sweet potatoes, salad, creamed onions, stuffing and four pies. I got so full, it was amazing. After dinner Curtis and I both had to take naps, thanks partially to having eaten so much as well as the wine. I only had about 2 glasses, but I'm not used to drinking so I got a little buzzed.

The best part of it to me was the people. All of Curtis's family is really cool. I wasn't worried about that too much since he's openly gay (I'm not sure how out to his family he is, but I know his parents know) and they're cool with it. They don't know about my possibly (well, most likely) being trans because I have yet to tell Curtis. I think I might tell him after Christmas since I should have gone to a counselor by then and I wouldn't have to worry about being homeless for Christmas if he freaked out. I think he'll probably figure it out by then anyway or just think I'm uber butch, hopefully he'll be chill with it. Either way, his family didn't question me wearing men's clothing and having a male haircut. They didn't even joke about it (my family would have tormented me, I'm sure). We also go to talk a little politics, which was wonderful since we're all pretty much on the same lines. I got to talk to Curtis's aunt about UC Berkeley too because she went there for graduate school. I want to go there sooooo bad, but finances are pretty tough. She told me how much she liked it and encouraged me to visit it and not give up on it just because its so expensive. I can't really explain here how awesome they all were. I felt a thousand times more comfortable around them than I feel around my own family. I'm really glad I'll be spending Christmas with them as well.

We also did something really cool after Thanksgiving- we went to my first hockey game! It was only minor leagues- the Gwenette Gladiators- but it was still really cool. We were seated like 3 rows away from the glass so we got to see all the action really close. It was a little freaky when they hit the pucks too high and they hit the glass, but it was still chill. It was so awesome when they got in fights too. There was a huge fight right in front of us. It lasted for a decent amount of time. Both of the guys lost their helmets and gloves in the fight and one of the guys had his jersey pulled off. They both left the game after that because there wasn't enough time in the period for them to finish their penalties. The team ended up losing in the end 5-3, but it was still really cool to see it all. I had a pretty good time, which was pretty surprising. I normally don't like watching sports. Playing them is pretty okay as long as they're violent, but not watching. Hockey, though, I could totally watch that on a more regular basis.

Anyway, I should head to bed soon. I'm so glad everything has worked out well. I'm not sure how things would have gone if I were able to go home, but I know they wouldn't have been this awesome. My dad had to work and my sister would have forced me to interact with my mother like every other holiday. I would also have been surrounded by a bunch of rednecks- not exactly the most supportive place to be when you're thinking you're transgender. I'll go ahead and be corny right now and say that what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving is a supportive family to spend it with.

The Last Couple of Days

Thanksgiving Break just started yesterday (finally!). I didn't have enough money to fly back to Montana for Thanksgiving (nor did I want to) so I'm staying with my friend Curtis and his family. I just got here yesterday after classes ended, but it's been pretty chill so far. I was a little worried about meeting his parents, but they're chill. Most of Curtis's family is really liberal so I don't have a lot to worry about here, especially since Curtis is gay and they're cool with that. We didn't do a whole lot the first night here, we just had dinner. It was really good, though. It was my first home cooked meal since August, so naturally it was pretty amazing. I almost forgot the best part about yesterday. Curtis got an iPhone sometime last week, so he didn't have a use for his old phone or his iPod touch. He knew my phone was dying (we both had enV's, mine was green and his silver) so he gave me his old phone. It was just in time too, my phone was really dying. It kept on turning off yesterday when I was texting so I don't think it would have lasted much longer. I knew he was going to give me the phone, but I was really surprised when he pulled out his iPod and said I could have that as well. I was super excited because those are SO cool! You can do practically everything on it except make phone calls, so I totally get why they made iPhones now. Both the phone and the iPod where my early Xmas presents from Curtis, so, thus far, its turning out to be a pretty kick ass Christmas.

Today Curtis and I hung out a little bit before he had to head out to work. We both got up pretty early (around 9) since there was a decent amount of stuff to do before he went to work. The first thing we did was go to get my haircut. I was so excited for this for about a week because I was getting sick of my old haircut. Before I got my haircut I was pretty much Robert Smith's twin. My hair was a huge curly mess and was entirely too long. As you can see by the profile pic, this is not longer the case. I still have to get used to styling it, but it's still way better than what it was before. I was really surprised by how much more masculine it made me look, but a little disappointed. It mainly just made me look really butch rather than like a guy, but that's a start at least. Either way, improvement is improvement so I'm glad to have it cut.

After that we went to activate my new phone since neither of us knew you could do it on the phone itself. On the way there Curtis asked if I figured out my sexuality yet since he knew I had been questioning it. I told him I was pansexual (I left out the part about me being functionally gay lol) and he said that was cool and it's good to find stuff like that out in college. We talked a little bit about LGBT life at our campus. He told me about someone that finally came out when he went to the main campus because there are so many more LGBT people there. We also talked about one of my friends having issues with me calling myself pansexual and how she kept telling me I was just straight. He was pretty supportive and said that no one can tell me what I am. We talked a bit about the lack of involvement on the campus I go to for LGBT issues by both the LGBT community and the straight community. He said it's a bit better on main campus, so I'm looking forward to that. I really wanted to tell him about me possibly being transgender, but I'm still not sure how he would take it. I think he knows something's up since I got a men's haircut today and made a couple of hints aside from that. I really would like to tell him, but I can't really afford for him to take it badly right now. So, that will have to wait. It's always possible he could ask about it as well, which would take a burden off my shoulders.

Once we got the phone activated we went out to Zaxby's for lunch. I loooove Zaxby's. For those that don't live in the South, Zaxby's is the BEST chicken restaurant ever. I really love eating there and it's been a while, so it was cool to go with Curtis. After lunch we headed home. Curtis was supposed to Starbucks to talk to his ex for a while, but his ex canceled on him. According to Curtis this is common for the "queens" lol. Everyone ended up taking a nap for a while and then Curtis and I watched some TV before he went to work.

That pretty much takes me up to now. For the most part, the last couple of days have been pretty awesome. The only thing that kind of sucked is that I had to speak to mother today about activating my phone. I needed the account password in order to do it, so I had to ask her for that. I think it's been the first time I've spoken to her (even though it was via text) since about September. She and I have issues going back a long time, basically ever since my parents got divorced. She tries to get involved in my life, but I really don't want her involved. We always fight whenever she talks to me so I just stopped talking to her. The last thing we fought about were her supporting my ex in the divorce. She adored my ex, mainly because she didn't know what an asshole he was (he was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive), so I guess she didn't get that it would bother me for her to be taking his side. She still doesn't understand it fully. So, since I had to talk to her today about setting up my phone, she is insisting on me emailing her. She wants to know a lot about my life, but I don't think I really want to tell her. Her email was pretty basic, just saying she's bummed about me not going home for Xmas and asking how school is going and then talking about her being a Mormon. She also mentioned my ex and how much she loves him, which I guess is my fault because I didn't explain to her everything he did to me. She wants to see a picture, but I don't think I want to send one, at least not a recent one. I don't want to have to deal with questions that I'm not ready to answer yet. I really don't know what to do with her. I don't want to email her back, I don't want her to be in my life, but I feel like I have no choice. I think I'm going to shoot her a quick email back and then leave it at that. I don't really want to be thinking about it for the whole break.

Anyway, that's what's going on. I'm excited that I can finally have a profile picture for stuff now since I look a bit more like a boy. I really hated the old hair, so I didn't put pictures up. Be prepared for lots of pictures soon!

The Hesitation Has Returned

I was doing really well in my consideration of being transgender. I was starting to make plans and make real decisions about how far I could take things and I thought everything was going really well, but then things kind of changed. I told my friend who is mtf transgender and I really didn't get the best response. It wasn't bad, mind you, but she really seemed to think I was being overly hasty and that I was okay with a lot of things I shouldn't be okay with at this point.

She seemed really confused when I told her I felt that, with gender issues, counseling wasn't entirely necessary for me because I didn't have an issue with being transgender. Initially I did, which I think threw her off that I was able to get over that so quickly. The problem at first, though, wasn't really the thought of being transgender, it was more anxiety about not fully knowing who or what I am. I haven't spent a lot of time debating this, but I have spent a decent amount of time almost obsessively thinking about gender. You can really reconcile a lot of shit if you think about it enough, at least I can. So, she really seemed to question the fact that I don't have an issue with it, like I really should be struggling with this. I think that might be because of her own experience since I know she struggled with it a lot, but it's not something that really bothers me a whole lot.

I felt like the reaction to what I would like to do as far as transitioning was a bit worse. Again, it wasn't entirely negative, but her reaction was, overall, a feeling of me being too hasty with thinking about transitioning. I didn't set any dates for when I was planning on doing what I'm planning on, but I suppose it just seemed too soon for me to think about it, at least in her opinion. I got a general feeling of her trying quickly to slow me down even though items such as HRT won't be happening for quite some time due to financial issues, need to come out to people and I generally feel I should live partially as a male for a while before making an irreversible step like HRT. She honestly didn't seem to see it that way, though. I really felt like she viewed me even being able to think of how far I would go as being too hasty.

I don't know what kind of timeline she thinks I should be on, but I really do not want to wait years to get this started. Being transgender itself doesn't cause my anxiety, but the thought of putting getting my transition started for YEARS does. I feel like my life is on hold until I begin transitioning or at least take real steps toward transition. Yes, I'm wearing men's clothing and I'm cutting my hair, but those aren't real steps. There's not a whole lot of risk involved in those or a lot of effort either. Still, I feel as if she thinks I'm being hasty even in this. I don't know who's right in this. I don't know if I really am being too hasty or if she is trying to force me into a pace that she's more comfortable with since her transition is taking such a long time.

I'm starting to feel like I can't really talk to her about this. It's good in some regards to have the balancing voice of reason on this, but it really can be disheartening. She's offered herself as an ally, but I think she might be pushing me onto a path that is too slow for me. I know she's doing it as what she thinks is best for me having experienced how difficult transitioning can be, but I still don't feel it's right for me. I know mtf is different from ftm in a lot of ways, which might be why she is trying to slow me down so much because it would be best for a mtf. If I were mtf I know I would be too hasty right now because the initial steps I'm taking toward transitioning would be dangerous in that circumstance. For me, though, there isn't as much danger in transitioning, especially with what I'm doing now. People might think it's weird, but I'm not really going to be in any physical danger for it. I really don't know what to do with this situation. I want her to be my ally and I want to be able to talk to her about this, but I'm starting to think that maybe she's not the person for this.

Thoughts on Transitioning

For the last couple of days I've been thinking a lot about transitioning. I've been able to decide that I really am just a guy in a woman's body (well, decision is kind of misleading since I've always felt that way). I have no problem with that, but I've been thinking a lot about making it so the gender I present matches more with the gender I feel inside.

I've already begun a lot of the preliminary steps for this. I've starting wearing more men's clothing (amazingly I'm good with men's fashion), starting wearing a sports bra to make my chest appear smaller, I've deciding upon a shorter hair style and I'm working on learning how to make my face appear more masculine. These are all pretty small steps, though. They don't really represent any sort of difficulty on my part and they don't identify me as transgender. People are more or less likely think I'm a butch lesbian, which is close enough for now, I suppose.

I'm really thinking about going further than this, though. Of course, any additional steps wouldn't be for quite some time since most of the remaining steps are expensive and difficult to reverse (in some cases irreversible). I could really see myself going quite far with this and being happy with the results. At the same time, though, I have some hesitation because some of it would be kind of weird to go through. A changing voice and growing body hair in new spots and having other features change would take time to get used to. I don't think these changes would be bad-they'd actually be quite good-it's just hard to picture what the result would be. I guess it's kind of like a 12 year old boy trying to picture what they would look like and how they would sound after they finished puberty. I have no idea what hormones would make my voice sound, how they would change my face, how my body would change or even how my hair would grow and where I would want it. Anyway, here are my preliminary decisions or at least thoughts about different aspects of transitioning.

Name change- Even if I don't go through with HRT, I think this would be essential.I need a name change regardless of whether I become male or stay female because I really do not feel like a Kalila. So, I've been thinking a lot about what I would like to be called if I were to present as a man and how much of my name I want to change. I've decided that, if I were to change my name, I would change my name to Michael. I've always been fond of the name Michael and it has a lot of good connotations for me. My favorite high school teacher was named Michael as well as my first sociology professor. I have a lot of respect for both of those men. There are also quite a few good actors named Michael, Michael Madson and Michael Keaton being two I can think of off the top of my head. I've also decided upon a middle name since I'm quite fond of having a middle name. I would like David to be my middle name. There aren't as many awesome connections with this name, with the exceptions of David Bowie (whom I love) and Davey Havok (my favorite singer EVER). I just think David's an all-over good name and goes pretty well with the first name Michael. The last name thing has been pretty tricky. I was initially thinking of keeping my current last name, but upon reading more I found out that that might be a bad idea. Keeping the same last name could make it easier for people to find out I was born female as well as make it easier for people from my past to find me. Also, it would be a problem if I were to ever go into stealth mode, so I'm going to change the last name as well. I've come up with 3 possibilities for my last name: Price, Burton and Fredericks. All three last names are Anglo-Saxon sounding names, so I don't have to worry about my name not matching up with my ethnicity or having a name connected to a religion I don't follow. All three names are also fairly easy to spell. I personally like Burton the best to an extent, but it could be problematic given Tim Burton is my favorite director because people could ask what it was like growing up a fan of someone with the same last name or something like that. Price has similar issues since there's a connection there to Vincent Price, I don't mind this of course. Fredericks last this problem, but I would have to get used to spelling it. So I could become Michael David Price, Michael David Burton or Michael David Fredericks.

HRT- I've been giving a lot of though to HRT lately as well. Initially I had no intention to ever have HRT because it didn't seem to really serve a purpose if I wasn't going to have SRS, but I've been rethinking that lately. I've been doing a lot of research into the effect HRT can have (vocal changes, muscle mass, facial changes, etc.) and it seems a lot more important than I initially thought. HRT would make it so I could "pass" more easily (I'm not blessed with a masculine face) and would make me feel more comfortable being a male. I became aware of the impact HRT can have when I watched a Youtube video series on someone transitioning to being a male. He said HRT made him more comfortable presenting himself as a male since more people saw him as such. The results of HRT, for him at least, were also amazing. He started out with a really feminine sounding voice and simply looked like a tomboy. By the end of the videos, nearly 2 years later, he looked exactly like a male, had a deep voice and had little if any issues passing for a biomale. I had no idea HRT could work that quickly and that well. I think seeing how much of an impact HRT can have has made it more appealing to me, especially as I begin early transitioning and am never seen as a male. I'm still weighing this decision, but I ultimately think I would be really interested in HRT sometime in the future, hopefully before too long.

Chest surgery- Chest surgery has also been on my mind. I currently don't have too huge of an issue with having breasts and I never really have. They're basically my only feminine feature, so I accented them a lot anytime I tried to look feminine. Honestly, though, they have become problematic when I shop for male clothing. I have to buy everything larger than I would like simply because I have breasts and it changes the way everything fits. Most of the time, when I try something on I press my breasts down to see how I would look without them (always better without). I know binding is a viable option, but that's not really meant to be permanent. It's supposed to be somewhat of a temporary fix because it can lead to health issues (fluids in your lungs as one), so I'm concerned about ever frequently doing that. I know it would cause issues for my health, mainly since I have asthma. I could see it having a very negative impact on my breathing. To me, chest surgery seems to be the most viable option. I would feel so much more comfortable without breasts and it would make living as a male much easier. I think I would honestly be a good deal happier without them. I would also avoid problems associated with binding and, by removing my breast tissue, lessen the risk of breast cancer (never a negative).

SRS- SRS is what I see as my stopping point, at least at this point. If there were effective surgery techniques for ftm SRS I would have the surgery without hesitation. Realistically, though, SRS isn't that much of a viable option. There are issues with function and sensitivity. So, at this point, I have taken SRS off the table for myself. If there is a development in the future that would make SRS a viable option, I wouldn't even hesitate. Part of me has always wanted to have a penis instead, so there is no hesitation there. On a related note, as far as sex organs go, I would definitely like those removed. My family has uterine cancer history as well as a history of ovarian cysts. I have absolutely no desire for children, so I see no point in keeping organs I will not use that have a potential to kill me or produce children I don't want.

Well, there you have it, my plan for transitioning thus far. I really see myself going as far as possible, even getting SRS if it were to become viable. I think I would be happier as a man although I have no huge issue with being a female at this point. I more or less feel uncomfortable as a female. I don't have huge anxiety about being a female or frequently look at myself in disgust because I look like a woman, but I'm not fully happy with how I look. I don't think this would change all that much if I were to lose weight, but I'm going to try that. I'm honestly a little afraid of becoming more unhappy with my appearance if I were to lose weight since it would make my breasts appear larger than they already do, but I'll see about that. I know I need to try every avenue before settling upon fully transitioning since it is such a long, difficult and expensive process. At this point, though, I can see myself living happily as the male Michael David Price/Burton/Fredericks.

Preparations for What Should Be Said

I've been a huge asshole to a friend of mine lately and she totally hasn't deserved it. This is me gathering my thoughts for how to apologize even though I think it may be a too little too late. Still, she deserves an explanation for me being such an asshole lately.

I've been a complete asshole to you lately and I feel horrible about it. I'm here to explain why I've been an asshole and apologize for it. I don't expect you'll forgive me for it, nor do I really deserve to be forgiven.

A lot of my life has fallen apart lately. In the last week alone, I've had three people leave me who I thought were my friends, who I shared a lot of myself with. I know some of them you don't see as good friends to me, but they were at some point, so it's been really hard for me to lose them. It's caused me to kind of withdraw into my head, to over-analyze everything. I think everyone around me is going to leave me in much the same way and I don't see any reason why they shouldn't.

This is where you come in. I've let you closer than a lot of people in a short time and it really worries me. In the last couple of weeks I've felt you pulling away or perhaps I'm just pulling away and thinking it's you. Either way, I feel a separation where there wasn't one before. I'm basically afraid that you've seen all the fucked up shit in my life and made the decision that you'd rather not be friends with someone that has that many issues. So, to lessen the pain for me, I've been pushing you away. I've turned all the hurt it's made me feel into anger and turned it toward you to push you away before you can leave. In my fucked up head it's easier this way. I've seen myself doing it and tried to stop myself, but I haven't been able to. I just keep pushing and pushing until I drive you so far away that there's no way we can be friends. It's not quite at that point, but I see it going there.

I don't know how to fix any of this. I don't know how to stop myself from trying to push everyone away from me before they can leave. I can't even promise that after I apologize for all of this anything will change. I can say I'll work on it, but that doesn't guarantee results and we both know that. I honestly value our friendship a great deal, which strangely enough you can measure in how much of an asshole I've been to you lately- I only allow a select few people close enough to hurt me enough to act that way. So I offer this apology needing it to fix things, knowing it probably won't and hoping that, at the very least, it will reduce any pain I may have caused you.

On a lighter note, I've totally realized that you were right about the whole "all men are assholes and should go fuck themselves." Point well proven my dear elf, all those lovely ladies that would want to get in my pants will have to be heartbroken as I opt to date fellow douchey men.

The Damn of Shit

So, this is going to be a bit of a departure from previous entries, mainly that it's done from a very calm place rather than raging anger which is really hurt. I'm going to spend this journal determining what's hiding in my damn of shit (this is the name The Elf gave for my vast amount of issues) and deciding what I want to do about it, if I want to do anything about it. I think I'll do this via bulleted list because I can, by god.
  • Mortality- I have a huge issue coping with my own mortality and I haven't really been able to cope with it. Usually the way I cope with it is mourning it, which in essence prevents me from actually living. At times I've tried to cope with it using religion because I'd desperately like to think that my life has some meaning, but this always fails. It seems I'm quite incapable of believing of God. I'd love to deal with this issue since it causes me to have panic attacks whenever I think of death, even if it's not my own, but I'm not quite sure how to fix it.
  • Self-concept- I have serious issues relating to my self-concept. I feel simultaneously god-like and amazing and frail and pathetic. I'm able to inflate myself to the point of narcissism, but I can't maintain this concept when attacked. If I'm ignored or rejected, I immediately feel as if I have no worth, as if what has happened is entirely my fault for not being good enough. Again, I'm really not sure how to fix this shit. Acknowledging my success is one way to deal with it, but I have limited success in small areas of my life, so it doesn't work when friendships are involved since I'm largely a failure at those.
  • Independence- I love being independent and always have been independent, but I always come across as being my independent than I am. I try to do things on my own that I really cannot and should not handle just because I think I can or should. I have a hard time relying on anyone for anything, even a $5 loan to eat dinner. I'm reluctant to tell people when I need them because it puts me in a position of frailty and I'm afraid they'll refuse me (experience with the being refused part). So, instead I hint at needing someone and become frustrated when they don't get the hint. I just need to learn to allow myself to rely on others when it's appropriate and not thinking I'm weak for it.
  • Emotions- I have all kinds of issues with emotions- how to express them, when to feel them, how to control them, what to do with them and accepting them. I'm shit at expressing emotions- I either bottle them up or turn them into outwardly displayed anger (the Elf knows this too well). I was raised by an emotionless, rational father and an overly emotional, reason-free mother. No wonder I'm shit with this. I think I just need to learn, from observation, how to express what I'm actually feeling (hurt instead of anger), when to do this and how to do it in a way that doesn't hurt other people.
  • Idealism- While I love my idealism, it causes me serious issues in life. People can never live up to my expectations and I have a really hard time understanding why they can't when they don't. I feel like I can only handle being kicked in the face with reality so many times before I break. Yet, I don't want to let go of my idealism. It's what drives me to make changes, to refuse to accept the shit that is reality. I need to decide if the pain that comes from reality constantly failing to meet the ideal is bad enough to let go of my idealism or if I can deal with the pain for the passion my idealism gives me.
  • Past- I have a really hard time coping with all the shit that's happened and moving past it. I can see everyday how it impacts me, but I haven't been able to let go of it. I feel like letting go of my past in essence gives a free pass to those that wronged me, almost like me forgiving them without them changing. I really to need to decide that my moving past my past does not mean I am forgiving or excusing all the shit that was done to me. It'll take time, though.
Well, I think that's plenty of issues from the damn of shit today. I know there are a ton more, but I would rather not think about them at this point. Diving into the damn for all of this has made me more than weary, so I think I'll go ahead and leave it at this for now.

My Life is Falling Apart

It's become quite clear, really. There had been things going on for the last couple of weeks to make me feel this way, but today was definitely the apex of shit (at least I hope so, if it gets worse from here then fuck).
Today the person I thought was my friend and has been my roommate for nearly a year told me she was moving out tonight. She had clearly been planning this for a while since it takes a while to get approved to move into a single room. Things had been tense, but there was no indication that she was planning this. I felt like maybe she would try to move out next semester, but I didn't see that she would move out the same day she was even thinking about it.
In some regard, I'm not sure why this really bothers me. She hasn't been that supportive of a lot of things in my life and things were tense. I got a double room to myself out of the deal, but still. It really bothers me. I think it mainly bothers me that she didn't even give me a reason. Her reason was that she was an only child and had wanted a single for a long time. I'm sorry, but that's bullshit. There was a lot more at work than that, they don't give people singles in the middle of the semester just because they want them. You have to have a legit reason for that, usually medical. Of course, she's not telling me the legit reason. Apparently I do not deserve to know.
The way in which she did this also bothers me. Rather than trying to talk things through with me, she just went to the housing department head and asked for a single. In what world is that an acceptable way to deal with your friend? Yeah, okay, I get it if I was just some random roomie that was a bitch. That makes sense. But to do that to a FRIEND? The fact that she didn't even tell me she was considering it until her paperwork was approved is the worst part. She apparently seems to think I'm some violent sociopath that was going to murder her for wanting to move out. That is totally me. That's why I screamed at her and threw shit. Yup. Oh, wait, that didn't happen. I didn't say a word. Clearly I just cannot control my anger.
I also stand to lose two friends because of this. I can tell they're trying not to take sides, but I know they'll have to eventually. I know I'm not going to be the one winning either. They think my roommate is a saint. The problem here is that I realize she's not. I've seen her ugly side, particularly tonight when she did this to me. Of course, my friends won't see it that way. They'll see it as me being mean to her for not wanting to talk to her for a while (I'm such an asshole for trying to avoid screaming at my roommate apparently). I suppose this will have to be okay with me, though. I already know how things are going to go. They'll side with her because she's so perfect and wonderful and magical. There must be something wrong with me for not finding her to be the most magical person in the world.
I find my roommate choosing to move out to be particularly bothersome because of the timing of this. Depending on how long the process takes, she could have initiated it shortly after me coming out to her as not being straight. I always felt that bothered her, but I didn't think it bothered her that much. I suppose it's okay for her friend to be gay and for another friend to be bi, but it's just not cool for me to be pansexual. I totally must want to bang her or something, except I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole (I don't even like hugging her). Now, if she was able to do this very quickly it could be because she's not okay with me questioning my gender (well, portrayed it as that with her even though I know quite well what I am). This seems possible to me, since she knows the housing administration quite well. It would explain why she was able to get a single without a medial reason this far into the semester. As far as I know, housing policy prevents this unless its an extreme circumstance- I think your roommate outing themselves as a pansexual transgender male might just qualify.
Of course this could all be just because I'm agnostic now, whereas I was originally a very devout Muslim. That would explain a lot since my roommate is a traditional Catholic. I personally find that to be a bullshit reason for moving out of a room with someone, particularly since I didn't insult her religion, but whatever floats her fucking boat. I'm sure it was something ridiculous like me listening to an atheistic band. Oh, wow. I am just so horrible. I do not now how I can stand the thought of living after having done something so horrible.
I just cannot find a single valid reason for her doing this. She did it so calmly too. Sure, she choked up a little, but I'm sure that was just for effect. If it bothered her so FUCKING MUCH she should have actually spoken to me about it. I guess I'm just that worthless of a human being, though. I don't deserve to be spoken to as an adult, I do not deserve the chance to improve, I don't deserve any sort of dialogue. No, I deserve to have my roommate make the decision to move out and file the paperwork without even telling me. Funny thing, too, she expects that this will make it possible for us to be friends after this. Are you kidding me? You've treated me so lowly and I'm supposed to just ignore that and stay your friend? Sure, if you had actually tried to talk to me about what was going wrong, maybe I would have been your friend then. I would have understood the issue, but not when you're going to play me like this. It is not okay and it won't be for a long time. I would like people here to understand that, but i know the majority of people will not understand. They're just going to see me as the horrible evil person that cannot handle something like this happening.